Okay nerds, the gloves are coming OFF.

Boy, have I been waiting for this.

I have loved Transformers forever. It completes a holy trinity with X-Men and Sandman of my favorite worlds of fiction, ever. I used to wake up every weekday at 7 to watch it, and often missed my bus catching the second episode.

I love Transformers. This fact will need to be remembered, for later.

When I heard the movie was being made, my first two thoughts were:
1.) Awesome!
2.) Oh shit, the internet is going to EXPLODE.

And it did. For months, I've watched elitist, self-absorbed fans berate a movie they know next to nothing about, nitpicking and complaining and generally making idiots out of themselves.

I'm tired of it. So I'd like to talk a little bit about your concerns.

1.) Its not going to be like G1 (Generation 1, the original cartoon)!!!!!!

This ticks me off more than anything. Listen up, kids, and listen good. If you want G1, if you want flatnose Optimus and Soundwave and a cast of too many, GO AND WATCH THE DAMN CARTOON. Alright? Can we get past this? No? Okay.

What fans often fail to understand about this sort of thing is that there is NO artistic integrity in making a carbon-copy movie based on something. One of the biggest complaints about movies these days is that everything that was good is being remade, and that it can't capture the magic of the original.

It thus stands to reason that recreating the G1 cartoon in real life would also lack this magic. More than that, it'd be boring to make. Its not new or creative, its just a remake. And, as we'll see later, most of what worked in the Cartoon would NOT work in a live action movie.

Second, and this is the part I fear the most, for I know geek hearts are weak and cannot take real life,

YOU ARE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE.

I know, I know. How could you not be? You're the fans. If you're not appeased, then the world isn't right. But you are not the reason they're making this movie. They need normal people, the people who aren't already watching the cartoon, or people who forgot about it, to go spend money watching it.

You may still be resistant. Let me point out some statistics. Spiderman and X-Men have been two of the most successful movie franchises of all time. They broke box office records (with sequels, I should add). Why? Because the fans approved? No. They made the movies different and accessible, so anyone could go see it. They took the X-Men out of bright costumes because they knew that wouldn't bring in regular people. And it worked. People who wouldn't read an X-Men comic under any circumstances saw the movie, and became fans.

It is completely closed-minded to believe that the creators of this movie would adhere to the frankly ridiculous standards of the original material and still hope to make any money on this movie. Moreso, it'd be a completely soulless, ultimately inane project.

This is a reimagining of the Transformers. A what if. A new way to get people excited. This leads us into our next "problem".

2.) wtf, the Decepticons are lame, AND WHERE IS SOUNDWAVE?!

In case you didn't know, the official list of Decepticons is:
Megatron
Starscream
Barricade
Bonecrusher
Scorponok
Frenzy
Blackout

Two/three of these were in the original team. This pissed people off.

It shouldn't.

The original Decepticon team would not fly today. Let's take a look.
Megatron - Becomes, though a complete suspension of physics and sense, a handheld gun for the other robots to shoot.
Starscream, Thundercracker, Skywarp - Three of the same jet, colored differently. To be fair, they had different personalities and powers.
Soundwave - Became, again illogically, a tape deck.
Rumble/Frenzy - Two small human-sized (sometimes) robots that were tapes contained in Soundwave's chest.
Ravage - A jaguar, again a casette.
Laserbeak - Bird version of above.
Reflector - Three largely useless robots that combine to form a giant camera. Banned from the cartoon after a few episodes because his toy was no longer being produced.

C'mon. Half the team is recolored versions of each other, and a good number of them have completely illogical transformations (I don't care if you see mass shifting as a power the Transformers have, I don't buy it as being anything more than a plot/character device). Three of them come out of one's chest. They barely qualify as characters, although they were all equally aweomse and owned their fair share of Autobots.

People were complaining that Soundwave and Megatron were going to be made into planes.

So, if the Transformers are so advanced, why does one of them have to become a 1980's tape deck to record and spy? Since Laserbeak could already do this, WITH video. And Megatron. He becomes a gun. With, one would hope, more firepower than the gun he has mounted on his arm, which is actually BIGGER than his gun form since a robot can hold it. You can't honestly tell me you're expecting people to go see a movie like that.

I'm upset there's no Soundwave, too (Especially as a jet. Have you seen his latest Cybertron toy? That thing is so sick.) but they're going to use the characters they think will be most interesting to people who have no idea who Shockwave or Ravage are. Three of the same jets will not cut it.

Speaking of characters....

3.) They're not using enough characters!

The thing about movies like this is that going to 2, even 2 and a half hours, is a lot. Lord of the Rings and movies like it are one of the rare instances where this sort of thing is allowed, by the STUDIO, now.

Let's say they use the entire original Autobot cast. That's 19. 19. You can't have 19 main characters in a movie. Even 10 is pushing it. The writers are only putting in characters they have time to develop, not just fanservice eye-candy (not to mention, they'd need way more Decepticons, which makes the problem worse). Again, artistic integrity prevails over whiny fans.

Here's the thing. They can't do whatever they want. The reviewers of this movie aren't going to be rating it as a remake of the original, but as a movie, and telling people to see it or not to see it. Having too many characters plagued X3, and resulted in a lot of resentment because none of the characters got enough development.

Not to mention, money. It takes a lot of money to have fifteen giant robots running around all fighting each other. Again using X-Men as an example, things like the Beast and the Danger Room were in the scripts of the first and second movie, but they just didn't have enough. So what did they do?

They saved it until they made enough money with the first two.

That is the thing. This movie is a test. They have to market this to the masses, to make them want to see more. If this movie makes money, they'll make another one, and make it better and bigger, with more characters (MIRAGE, PLEASE) and stuff. This is a movie for everyone. Not just for you. Don't be selfish.

Or, if you think you're so great, make your own movie. Become a director. Writer. Whatever. See how it does.

This has gone long enough already, so one last thing:

4.) Optimus/Bumblebee/etc. aren't the vehicles they're supposed to be!

Who are you to tell them what vehicles they should and shouldn't be? Optimus is still a tractor trailer. So he has a long nose. He's had them for a long time. G2, for instance. Now, Bumblebee being a VW bug is really logical, given his name, but like with Optimus, doing it for real wouldn't work. They tried to do Optimus as a flat-front, but he wouldn't have been big enough. There wouldn't be enough vehicle to make a big robot. The cartoon didn't have this problem because anything could be any size it needed to be. These all have to be real, scaled vehicles.

Which makes sense for Bumblebee being a racecar. If he were a VW bug, he'd be tiny. He wasn't huge in the cartoon either, but they don't have room for tiny guys in this movie.

Again, having everyone be exactly what they used to be is boring. We've all seen it already. Let's see something new and creative, with some homages to G1 but not bound by it.

I don't know if this will change anything. I don't know if I can make the Transformers fandom see how they're killing their own beloved franchise. But I hope some of you will read this and give the movie a break. These guys are trying to bring something they loved into our time, to make people love it the way we did. There are robots who transform into vehicles, and fight. The central themes are going to be there. The coating may change, but if it doesn't, then there's no point.

And give Michael Bay a break. The man knows explosions. The fights are gonna rock. And its not like he controls it. The writers are responsible for a lot too.

So, come this time next year, you can be all pissy and pouty that you can't watch your G1 cartoon on a bigger screen, and hate the movie (a lot of you will hate it because its cool to hate comic book movies, and I have nothing to say to you). Or, you could approach it with an open mind, see a new wave of Transformers, a reimagining of a classic, and not be an asshole and annoy the rest of us. And who knows? Maybe if you remove the giant nostalgic G1 stick out of your rectum, you might actually enjoy it.

Don't worry. G1 wont mind. I'm sure it wants you to be happy.

I meant my next post to be a "what I watch/like" post, so you'd know what I watch and what I'll be talking about. But this comes first.

Everwood is my favorite show on TV, perhaps my second-favorite ever. Chances are, you have no idea what Everwood is, because something like 10 people in the world watch it. So let me give you a rundown:

Andy Brown is a famous brain surgeon who ignores his family, to the chagrin of his virtuoso piano prodigy son Ephram. When his wife is killed, he freaks out, having two kids he barely knows that he now has to take care of. He packs them up and moves them to a small Colorodo mountain town. The bulk of the first season was centred around the horrid father-son relationship, and both guys trying to adjust to a new place and new life.

Here's the thing about Everwood. Of the main cast, we have 6 adult characters, and 3 kids, to which one each is added. These aren't trendy O.C. adults, either. These are old-ass men and women dealing with old people problems, and its a lot to ask teens and young adults to care. Critically, Everwood has always been met with great praise. But no one watches it.

Everwood was not chosen to be continued after this season on the new CW network. There was only room for one show with any integrity or values, and they chose 7th Heaven, which inexplicably is the most watched show on the network.

It seems Everwood is trying to fight its fate. Despite its oldest, most endearing character having a heart attack at the end of last week's episode, the previews only discuss the kids all getting back together. That didn't happen this episode. This episode was literally not mentioned.

What did happen this episode is that, apprently that heart attack was fatal. We start basically at the funeral.

Who died?

Irv Harper. Magnificantly acted by John Beasley, he had deep, poetic monologues in almost every episode early on in the series. He turns these into a book he writes about Everwood, and some of the things that went in the first season or two. I would say Irving is me, as an old black man; I can only hope I end up like him, except for the dying part.

The funeral is used as a way to show various snippets of story throughout the seasons involving Irv, and though the story is advanced towards the season finale the focus is on giving Irv the screentime he never had but always deserved.

Why they chose to kill one of the most endearing and likable characters on the show is somewhat lost on me. In the case of the O.C., they used a death to boost their low ratings, and it worked. But the WB has never acknowledged this death, deliberately ignoring it, so I don't see it as having been beneficial.

As for the rest of the story, even I must say I wish everyone would just get together and end all the "suspense". Everwood, by design, moves slow, and this in many cases works, but the three or four couples we have have all drifted towards predictable, inevitable ends.

Next week is a two-hour series finale. Everwood isn't the kind of series that always ends on a cliffhanger, and I'd rather like it if it wraps up at least decently.

Everwood is a series so sincere and endearing, but it came in the wrong climate. There just isn't room for anything like that on TV, despite brilliant writing and acting that put 7th Heaven to shame. While I fully understand what the average TV viewer wants and that its not what Everwood was delivering, I find it disheartening still that a show so bold in its defiance of genre standards is being cut because its not hip.

But hey, four seasons is a lot. Not a lot of series can last that long with Everwood's ratings. I suppose I can let it go.

X3 - The pinnacle of human achievement?

Oh boy, my first review. Today I'll be discussing X-Men: The Last Stand.

To say I am a fan of the X-Men is to say that water is a little bit wet, or that the sun is sorta kinda hot. I have an undying love for the X-Men the likes of which poets could never hope to write, that artists could never hope to paint. The mere mention of X-Men in my presence illicits long bromades. God forbid you ask a question about X-Men. Some of my friends wont allow people to ask me questions unless they know me well enough to still like me after.

I love the X-Men.

So, I understand its not "cool" to like this movie as a comic fan. Well, you know what?

I hate comic fans. I really do.

This is what I think. X3 is possibly the best thing to ever happen. Let me elaborate.

First of all, coming into this movie with a deep knowledge of the canon makes it infinitely more enjoyable. The goal of the first two movies was to adapt X-Men and make it something non-comics fans could enjoy. This was an unadulterated success (not so much when the comics tried it, to the surprise of few). This movie takes this formula, but introduces so many new characters and concepts that unless you know where everything's coming from, it simply doesn't have the same meaning.

There is one major problem with this movie, and that is that there is too damn much going on. I do not attribute this to Ratner's directorial style as much as the series itself; there is a ton of story to tell, and one hour and forty five-minute movie to tell it in. I understand this was to be the last X-Men movie ever. That means all the stuff they've been trying to do since X1 but didn't have the money for has one last chance to be on screen. You're going to see a lot of mutants in this movie, and they're not going to get much characterization. We simply don't have the time. A movie like this can only be so long before it loses the casual viewer.

You know what I think? I think Bryan Singer would have been wrong for this movie. Hear me out. If he had not directed the prior installments, this movie would not be happening. He is amazing, and he made this fanchise what it is. But if he made this movie, it would not have been as satisfying an ending. The story may have been better, it would have been much more organized, but it would have left a sour taste in my mouth.

Ratner is quick and explosive. He has no problem inserting every damn mutant he can think of into this movie for small cameos. Like I said, average viewer will not get it. Comics fans will, and a lot of people will be happy to see their favorite mutants in this movie.

Also, there's one quote, if you've seen it you know, and I will always consider whoever put it in there a god. I said it myself, actually, when the character first appeared, which was ironic.

But I digress. This needed to be two movies. The Cure, and the Pheonix. They're both stories that needed to be told, but we didn't have that sort of time. Bless Ratner for having the guts to make this movie the way he did.

The thing is, even if you don't like the story, you're not human if you don't appreciate some of the action scenes. The big one at the end, so much goes on I can't imagine someone watching it and not saying, at least once, "My GOD was that badass." I will never, ever pick a fight with Kelsey Grammar. Ever.

Here's the thing. This movie is a farewell. A final attempt to make the X-Men series everything it can be. They're giving us all this seemingly unfinished stuff because they're probably not gonna get another chance. Angel didn't do NEARLY as much as he should have. But it was that or nothing. Its as simple as that. If you have to go out, go out with a bang.

And really, the story wasn't that bad. Compared to the Cure story in the comics (which was brilliant, don't get me wrong), the stakes here were way higher, and the outcome fitting.
Magneto's presence in the story, given his experience with the Holocaust, gives his side an emotional edge that makes it far more endearing than it could have been. Is what he did really much different from, say, D Day? I don't want to offend anyone, I'm not trying to say the Cure was anywhere as bad as the Holocaust, but Magneto's memories of it certainly add another side.

I can understand why someone would like this movie. I can't understand why comic book fans are so anal and pessimistic, and just generally jerks. I loved X3. I think it is the best way the series could have ended. I imagine this movie would need to make a lot of money to fund another one, in which case this movie would be rushed and choppy. But given that this is, for now, all we're getting, I thank the staff for trying to throw in as much as they did. Making a movie isn't easy, especially when you've got 40 years of continuity and, I believe, one of the most disagreeable and difficult fanbases on earth. Thanks, guys.

About Me, And Why I Hate Blogs

Me

Hey. What's up? That's good. I'm Phil. Pleasure to meet you. I like TV. Also movies. A lot. A whole lot. Like, if you took the amount that someone like, say, Tiger Woods enjoys golf, that is about equal to half the amount I like TV and movies.

I am a loser.

The thing is, I love stories. Absolutely love them. I'm becoming an English major so that I can write stories, and people will hopefully read them and pay money for them and I can buy things. I read books, obviously, but there are things you cannot do without a camera and dramatic music. I watch a little of everything. In TV I'm limited by time and job, but with movies I can see them whenever I want. Luckily for my wallet, I like basically everything I see. Which brings me to:

Why I Hate Blogs

Okay. No offense if you have a blog. But I hate blogs about TV and movies. Why? Because those people always seem to hate everything. Now, I understand you should be discerning. But lighten up. C'mon. Do it. Please? Listen. Almost everything you see in any TV show or movie is bullplop. Really. Its stupid, banal, completely unrealistic and overdramatic.

Got it?

Now, I understand this. I ignore it. I invest myself emotionally in the plot, and enjoy what is presented in light of the limitations of the medium and my ability to detach myself from "logic".

Scoffing? I don't blame you. But you do it too. Here's three examples:

1.) Godzilla. In Godzilla movies, a man in a horrifically obvious rubber suit destroys fake model cities. Oh, the horror. But we go to these movies and take them seriously because we know that's the kind of movie it is. Same goes for any computer-generated monster doing anything remotely meant to be scary or dangerous. Its not real, we know this, but we ignore it.

2.) James Bond. This man could take the hour hand off of his gucci watch and attach it to a train, which will proceed to explode in the shape of a Q. Its a Bond movie, shit like that happens.

3.) The Good Guys Always Win. Mostly. We know they'll win. Anything the villain does is ultimately futile. Given this, there should be no suspense or excitement while watching anything. But we suspend our knowledge of reality because its not reality, and there's no enjoyment in it otherwise.

If any of the above is true of you, you win! The key to enjoying movies and TV is in surrendering yourself to its laws and realities, and ignoring its small imperfections in the interest of more fully appreciating the story.

The Blog

This blog is the Entertainment Labyrinth. I'll be your guide to the myriad shows and movies that you don't have the time or interest to watch.

Chances are, I'll be freaking out about the shows I like and reviewing new ones because everyone that reads my Livejournal is tired of hearing it. Hopefully it'll be entertaining. Hopefully. Sympathy laughs more than welcome.

Testing!

Just seeing how this trendy-looking template looks with my blog. Man, it looks like I put any effort into it. Little do you know...